You probably already know about Goodreads, a great website for finding books to read. In case you don’t already know about this feature of it, though, let me point you to Goodreads Giveaways, where authors and publishers post titles of books to give away to interested readers. You opt in for any books you’re interested in, and then when the giveaway ends, winners are randomly chosen from people like you who expressed interest. Then, if it’s a Kindle giveaway, the recipients get a free electronic copy, and if it’s a paper book giveaway, they receive a free copy in the mail.
We’re down to the last four days to opt in for a chance to receive a signed copy of Bi-Gender: A Candid Nonbinary Memoir, which you can most easily find on this page: https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/genre/Gay%20and%20Lesbian . If you don’t already have a Goodreads account, you’ll need to create one (free and only takes a minute or two) to participate. Good luck!
My experience is that bi-gender people tend to be very isolated from other bi-gender people: bi-gender isn’t a well-known or widely used gender identity. I have yet to meet another person who definitively identifies as bi-gender face to face, even though I’ve met many other people who identify as nonbinary and have connected virtually with dozens of other bi-gender people. For other bi-gender people, the gulf may be even wider. That’s why we’re lucky to have at least two supportive and well-established bi-gender communities (and if there are more, please let me know so that I can list those as well)!
The first place I found online to connect with other bi-gender people is bigender.net (no hyphen). This is an old school online forum, and while the interface isn’t exactly up to the minute and it’s not swarming with people, there are always at least a few long-term participants available to connect with. The forum format makes it possible to have extended, in-depth conversations. I’ve met several good friends on this board.
By the way, if you join, don’t try to later log in through http://www.bigender.net without the /forum at the end of it. The home page for the site is for a journals feature that uses a completely different login system and is slated for retirement.
I’m newer to the second community, but it’s a lively group of Facebook users called Bigender Support . Here too, members are strongly supportive and worth getting to know. You don’t have to be bi-gender to participate; the group is for both bi-gender people and allies. It’s a closed group: you must apply first to participate.
I’m conducting a survey of bi-gender people to help learn about and spread the word about what it means to be bi-gender. If you haven’t read about it elsewhere on this site, “bi-gender” (also written “bigender”) means having two genders, often but not always male or female, and experiencing them at the same time or at different times.
In other words, some bi-gender people experience their gender as a combination of two, others experience them separately, and still others sometimes do one and sometimes the other. That’s the topic of one of the questions in the survey.
For anyone who has read my book, you’ll know that I’m in that small green section, people who pretty much go back and forth between two genders without really ever finding themselves in the middle. As it turns out, that’s unusual among my survey sample: most people sometimes or always experience both genders at the same time.
The one response under “other” was from someone who wasn’t sure if the question meant to ask about gender identity or gender expression. My intention was closer to gender identity, though I meant gender identity in terms of how it feels at different times rather than in terms of how we define ourselves overall. Of course, I can’t say whether other respondents got this intention from the way I phrased the question.
There are other terms that can encompass the idea of being two genders at once: “genderqueer,” sometimes “genderfluid,” and just plain “nonbinary,” for example, could all potenitally cover it. Yet I don’t think it makes sense to try to insist that the term “bi-gender” not include people who might also be described in other ways, even if it were possible to make that change. First, “bi-gender” emphasizes the duality of our genders, which for some of us is a central point. Second, while for some of us, our gender experience may be consistent over many years, for others the experience of being bi-gender can change over time: gender proportions can shift, and the way we experience our genders can change as well. Not expecting the term “bi-gender” to give a specific account of exactly how we feel and present our genders leaves latitude for a range of gender experiences. There’s no point getting out of the gender binary box only to be trapped in another box of expectations.
My sample size is still small, although it’s growing. As of this writing, there are 18 respondents, which seems small unless you consider how difficult to find we bi-gender people currently are! I’ll post more results from the survey in posts going forward.
Gender Rebel Press has just released my new book, Bi-Gender: A Candid Nonbinary Memoir, in a print edition (258 pages, $9.95), following up on the eBook edition ($2.99) released at the end of February.
I’m enthusiastic to spread the word about this book, and I’m happy to provide reviewer copies for anyone interested in writing about the book on their Web site, in publications, on Amazon, on Goodreads, or elsewhere. Reviews don’t have to be positive if you get a free reviewer copy: just lay it on the line. I’m taking the chance that you’ll like the book just because it’s entertaining and, I hope, a little mind-expanding.
If you know of any blogger, reviewer, site, publication, organization, or anyone else I should get in touch with to spread the word about the book, could you drop me a note through the contact page or in comments?
I’ve also moved my blog to a more full-featured Web site here at bi-gender.com from its old location at JamesBethMerritt.wordpress.com. Here I hope to offer expanded FAQs as well as a gathering point for nonbinary folks and Bi-Gender readers. The old site will still be accessible, but it won’t be updated further, so come here instead: this is where all the cool new stuff will be happening.
Trans Book Reviews has a unique proposition going on at their site. It’s not just that they review only books and stories that are non-cisgender (so transgender, non-binary, agender, or anything else that isn’t strictly cis); they also have a cisgender and a non-cisgender person review each one and post both reviews together. In terms of fostering understanding and support, I think that’s fantastic. Check out their site at https://transbookreviews.wordpress.com.
This past weekend, I had the very unusual opportunity to connect with other non-binary people as part of a larger event, in a closed discussion that didn’t include any mono-gendered people (well, except for one woman who wandered in, not knowing what the discussion was about. Once we realized she wasn’t non-binary, we had to send her on her way, which felt rude, but which was absolutely necessary).
There were about a dozen of us, sitting in a circle and just asking and answering questions. Most there were younger–college age or early twenties–but there were also three or four forty-and-up people, myself included, and age seemed to be no barrier in the discussion. There wasn’t anyone else there who definitely identified as bi-gender, but that didn’t really matter, either. The uniting experience was of being neither strictly male nor strictly female.
It seemed to me that it was a relief and an empowering experience for everyone there to be able to talk to other people who shared something of their experience. The other opportunity I had to participate in a group like this, the experience was very similar: mostly younger people, no one else who identified as bi-gender, and everyone delighted to be there.
To follow up on this, I’m going to look into organizing a one-day non-binary conference, perhaps in Massachusetts this summer. I don’t yet know exactly what we’ll do apart from having open discussion, but that will develop over time. If you’re interested in this conference, please drop me a line. If you’re interested but wouldn’t be able to make it in person, please still get in touch: I want to look into ways that it might be possible to include people remotely through some kind of private videoconferencing.
If anyone has suggestions for the conference or (better yet) is interested in helping plan or organize or staff it, I’m enthusiastically interested in hearing from you. I don’t know that anything like this event has happened before (though I’d love to hear about it if it has), and regardless, this has the opportunity to be a singular event for those of us who feel a little marginal sometimes.
By the way, this site is now also accessible through the address bi-gender.com. I may do more with that domain in future, or create a more broadly focused non-binary site.
I’m late finding it, but an article in the March 27th issue of Time Magazine, “Beyond ‘He’ or ‘She’: The Changing Meaning of Gender and Sexuality” (also available online at http://time.com/magazine/us/4703292/march-27th-2017-vol-189-no-11-u-s/ ) offers research and individual accounts on the changing understanding of gender and sexuality. They don’t mention bi-gender people (but then, hardly anyone does), though they do make note of one person who identifies as gender fluid and describes a bi-gender-like experience of life. They also pretty much ignore non-binary people older than their mid-twenties. Still, it’s a well-written and informative article that answers some questions about how widespread non-binary genders and sexual preferences are, how younger people tend to regard them, and how they’re changing in our culture: well worth a read.
My friend Kristin passed along a recommendation to me for Jeff Garvin’s YA novel Symptoms of Being Human (Balzer + Bray, 2016), which tells the story of Riley Cavanaugh, a genderfluid teen. It’s the first book I’ve read where a major character could really be considered bi-gender (though Riley never uses that word, and “genderfluid” is probably a better description of who they are). Riley moves back and forth on the scale between male and female, feeling more boy one day and more girl the next. The story deals with their experience trying to walk a fine line of being themself and not drawing unwanted attention. That line, it turns out, is too thin: as in real life, there are people who take real exception to anyone crossing gender lines or trying to mix genders.
In terms of entertainment, if like me you enjoy YA (young adult) fiction, as more and more adults seem to do these days, Symptoms of Being Human is a good read. Some of the positive attention Riley gets doesn’t feel realistic to me: without giving away what goes on in the story, Riley seems like a realistic teenager with realistic gifts, but some of those gifts are received as though they’re amazing and exceptional, and I found that a little hard to swallow. Garvin also chooses to never let Riley reveal what sex they were assigned at birth, and I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, as Garvin must have intended, it keeps the focus on Riley’s actual gender instead of letting us get hung up on Riley’s assigned sex. On the other hand, while being non-binary is very tricky regardless of your assigned sex at birth, the challenges are a bit different depending on what that assigned sex is, both socially and physically, and this story glosses over those differences. Still, it’s refreshing to have a character whose assigned sex at birth is simply beside the point.
In terms of gender experience, Garvin does a great job, especially since nothing in the public information I’ve seen about him suggests that he’s anything different than a straight, cisgender male (he describes himself in this article about gender identity as an ally). Evidently he spent a lot of time reading and talking to transgender and non-binary people before he began to write, and it shows in characters who feel true-to-life in their gender non-conformity.
For a contrast, consider Lauren McLaughlin’s enjoyable but unrealistic YA novel Cycler, in which the main character inexplicably flips back and forth between being physically male and physically female: it’s a good read, but it has no wisdom to impart about being non-binary–though to be fair, I doubt it’s meant to.
Symptoms of Being Human is mainly preoccupied with the difficult question of whether to come out, and how much, and to whom, and how to try not to give your gender identity away before you’re ready. These are important and interesting question, though it was a little disappointing to me that they ended up being the ultimate questions in the book. From my point of view, coming out is a secondary issue, and the main thing is how a person lives and figures out who they are when they don’t fit into the gender binary we’re all taught is basic to our identity.
But Symptoms is a badly-needed and rewarding read, and my hope is that that it’s only the beginning for Garvin and for Riley, that before long we’ll see the continuation of Riley’s story and what comes of them facing these deeper issues.
Until I dove into being bi-gender, I’d never realized that different romantic orientations and gender identities had their own flags. It also never occurred to me why you’d want a flag for such a thing until this week, when I’m planning on attending my first Pride event. (Yes, I know, it’s ridiculous never to have been part of one before.) Suddenly, I realize that there’s a bi-gender flag, and I could wave it around, and there would actually be a chance of someone seeing me with it and pretty much fully understanding my gender identity just by looking. Boy, is that a novel thought!
Unfortunately, since of course there’s no central authority of queer people (what would that look like), it turns out there are more than one bi-gender flag. It’s going to be hard enough just to get people to recognize one flag on sight, so more than one design is a problem! Because of that, I’m going to only show the most common/popular/widely-accepted bi-gender flag here.
I love this flag: I picture myself bouncing up and down from the top to the bottom, with some other bi-gender people hovering in the middle, where the lavender is.
Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, nobody actually sells these flags. I am looking around, and I’ll update the post if I find a place that sells them. I don’t have a use for a big banner, but I’d love a flag on a stick I can wave around.
One fairly common mistake seems to be to use the Intersex flag. For anyone not familiar, Intersex means having physical characteristics of both male and female sexes. This is of course completely different from being bi-gender, which is having two genders (often, but not always male and female), taking turns and/or in some mix.